"Hear, O heavens!
Listen, O earth!
For the LORD has spoken:
'I reared children and brought them up,
but they have rebelled against me.'"
-- Isaiah 1:2 NIV
Before my youngest son was born, I adopted and raised three others:
Jamie was born in 1973, but I did not meet him until 1982.
Scott was born in 1978, but I did not meet him until 1983.
Michael was born in 1975, but I did not meet him until 1984.
From The Lutheran Book of Prayer:
"Lord Jesus, You came into the world to seek and to save those who were separated from Your love. It is with a heavy and aching heart that I come to You, the Savior of sinners, imploring You to restore to saving faith my erring children. O Lord, my heart is breaking as I realize that my sons are following the way of unrepentant sinners, which always leads to condemnation. Save them, O Lord, save them. You have, in Your vast mercy performed many wonders, and I pray that You would lead back all the erring lambs who have wandered away from Your fold.
"O Lord, if by any fault or neglect of my own I have caused them to have strayed from You, I beg of Your mercy that you would forgive me. Guide me by Your Holy Word, and show me how to share Your love, mercy, and forgiveness. Draw all of us closer to You in faith. If it be Your will, let these erring children be returned so that our hearts are filled again with Your peace and Your joy. Unite us with You in faith, and abide in our hearts both now and forevermore as our loving, compassionate, and forgiving Savior. In Your holy name I pray. Amen."
I tried to do a blog about my oldest children (they are all in their 30s now), but after working at it for many hours, I just could not. I found this prayer today, and decided this is the most painless way I can post something about them. I almost never see any of these boys. I have grandchildren by the youngest 2 of them. I have some pictures posted in my photos of the youngest 2 boys and the grandchildren. Maybe it's one of the hazzards of adopting older children ... but these children of my heart are not very often children in my home anymore, and they live as if they never learned right from wrong. It hurts their own children. Just like their first parents hurt them.
ReplyDeleteSometimes.. a lifetime.. is not long enough.. to recover from the pain.. of losing one's biological parents. I'm so sorry.. that they weren't able to embrace you.. the way.. you embraced them into your life. sigh.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your kind words.
ReplyDeleteI have added my voice to yours, and our Father is listening. You have done all that you knew how to do. Now I ask Him to fill you with the comfort and strength of His spirit until your wayward children are ready to show that the love and care you gave them was not misplaced. Our Father has wayward children of His own, so he knows the pain you are feeling.
ReplyDeleteAnd on the subject of errant lambs, A shepherd with a bandaged hand once told me that those darling fluffy little lambs bouncing about in the fields can bite HARD until they know who is feeding, and protecting them, and keeping them well.
Oh thank you! Thank you for taking the time to share your insight! And thank you for your prayers!
ReplyDeletevisualizing this
ReplyDelete*hug* I'm speechless, but offer a shoulder.
ReplyDeleteSomehow I knew you would. Over on MySpace I recently added a bulletin board item I found there that says, "Never give up on someone you cannot go a day without thinking about" ... and I've been haunted ever since. It does feel better to have posted this, for some reason. Things have been this way for so many years, you'd think I'd "get over it" ... and I mostly ACT like everything is fine. And I am so grateful for and proud of my youngest son. I love him dearly! And he is a fine young man and a blessing! but i just don't understand what went wrong with the others ... every day i guess i spend at least a minute or 2 trying to figure it out ... and the Writers Forum challenge for this time (what would you change if you could) well ... I can write some fiction on all sorts of topics I suppose ... but what i would REALLY wish to change, i truly have no idea how to change. no idea. i really don't understand at all ... even after all these years. Maybe it was doomed from the start -- my relationship with these 3, i mean ... just because they were "too old" already when i got them and it's impossible for children to bond that late in life ... i don't know. i just don't know. and that hurts worse than death, i think.
ReplyDeleteI can't imagine how painful that must be. Once a child is past infancy, the ability to bond can be severely impaired. I'm sorry to hear they are passing this down to the next generation, and I know that hurts you as well.
ReplyDeleteYou did a wonderful thing, taking them in. I know that even though their lives may not be perfect now, they are undoubtedly better than they would have been if it hadn't been for your caring for them.
Thanks Kira.
ReplyDeletePerhaps you should put a note for yourself, somewhere where you will see it regularly; tell yourself that you did your best. Nobody could have done more. I wish I could find it, I copied a poem by Kalil Ghibran on the subject of children; that they are like arrows, we point them where we think they should go, then let go of them. Where they go after that is out of our control.
ReplyDeleteAnd I join you in this pray as know it is heart breaking to love an feel them so far from our savior.
ReplyDeleteI have to admit that I am not as noble as all that.
ReplyDeleteI'm grieving because they are so far from ME.
Oh sweety, my heart goes out for you. You know I will always say a little prayer for you.
ReplyDeletelove ya hun.
Scott died yesterday as a pedestrian in a hit-and-run accident. We will bury him today. :-(
ReplyDeleteWords are not enough. May God bless you and hold you in His arms today.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Joy!
ReplyDeleteso sorry to hear.
ReplyDeleteMy heart reaches out to you and your family in this time of grief .
ReplyDeleteVery sorry for your loss and pain.
ReplyDeleteYou can do good deeds and dedicate them to your son; this will be of help to him. I will remember him during prayer for about 40 days.
I came here following a candle, I believe it was by Heidi starfishred.
Thank you for your prayers!
ReplyDeleteI tried to take your advice, but when I went to the collection agency I was told that, not only was his debt paid in full, the full righteousness of God had been credited to his account by Jesus Christ.
I'm pretty grateful for that, since I'm not much good at good deeds.
Rani, just read and understand more now about how Scott was related to you and things we can't understand in this life, we will in the next. When my mom passed on, I told her that even the littlest things in kindness and love that we do create the effect the same way a pebble does when you throw it in the water. You may never know the changes you made in Scott's life but I assure you somewhere down the line his children will hear the story of you and Scott's interaction and may affect them. Maybe something Scott did already made a difference and no matter how miniscuel may change someones way of thinking or judgment of a future action. I had a 4 year old child for almost two years (long story), and I did the best I could with her but the baggage she carried with her emotionally by being rejected by her own mother played a role it the person she has become today at 24. It is not the pretty secure and life I would have chosen for her. Quite the opposite. I do see some of the things I taught her though so it was not a total loss. After her life gets going past the age of unaccountability, at one point she will hopefully turn back to the way she was bought up in! The only way is God's way! Eccl. will tell you the way life is and just how to live in these flesh bodies and the truth to our existence is to pleasure God. We were created for His pleasure and are His children and just as our children for ours. We let our Father down many times just as our children,so and God knows the circumstances of our choices in life. I thank God for His forgiveness and what if I told you that in Scott's final moments it is very possible he asked for forgiveness? There stands the grace and love of our God. It is His job to judge and not ours. To walk a mile in someone else's shoes is God's justification for mercy and grace and I am sure you did the best you could and now it's up to God. He probably bought Scott into your life for just that reason--to learn about God so never count yourself as guilty because of actions of your children just count your blessings and know that you are human and every parent wants the best for their children. The bible itself is full of stories of parents and their children. Ezekiel sons, Adam and Eve, I could go on and on. Please know this was intended to help you heal as you go through the memories of Scott wondering why he was the way he was at the end. Choices we make as individuals are why we are here- we either choose to love God or the world. I believe you made that difference in Scott's life, for the better, as where would he have been without you. I pray that this in some way helps you and to let you know that I am not only thinking of you but in prayer for you daily!
ReplyDeleteAfterthought--when even one sheep fled and was lost, Jesus left the rest of the flock to search him out!
ReplyDelete